Where has the time gone?

 Today marks a very special day in our lives. It is the anniversary of the day that we welcomed our first child, Judah, into the world. In other words... it's Judah's 6th birthday! As I was sitting last night and thinking about the past 6 years and everything that has changed in our lives I was overwhelmed by how blessed we have been and how far we have come. 

As I've said before, Judah's start was a pretty rough one and one that we, at times, weren't sure we would get through. Looking back it all makes sense, but at the time was very overwhelming. Through it all, though, I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever thought and what it really means to do anything and go to any length for your child. By the time he was a year old, I felt like I was on a first name basis with everyone in our doctor's office and most of St. Mary's Hospital!! haha Things seemed to "level off" some by the time he was 2 and we were finally able to breathe a little. Then we started noticing some things were different about him. His younger sister, Hannah, was starting to do things he had never done; like crawling and walking before a year old, being affectionate with people outside of her immediate family and a select other few, pursuing playtime with other kids and so on. The older they got the more we noticed differences between the two, but still thought it was just differences in personality. 

By the time Judah reached 3, we really started noticing the differences between him and other kids. In some ways That is when I started talking to our family doctor and she began watching him closely. Since we were in the office so often, she felt like family to us and was able to get a really good look at him and the way he did things. Bythe time he was four she agreed that there was more going on than just "normal boy stuff" and referred us to St. Mary's Center for Children. Yet another doctor to add to the list! haha Once we finally got the ball rolling, it felt like it immediately turned into a snowball rolling down a mountain. After working out the insurance kinks we were finally set up with another office and in April 2011 Judah was officially diagnosed with Asperger's and separation anxiety. That was the moment that so much of his life so far began to make sense. I began understanding why he would melt down over wearing certain fabrics, why his foods couldn't touch, why he would sit for long periods of time in small dark places, why he would get so upset over loud noises, why he was hyper-focused on certain topics like animals, why he often didn't make eye contact and the list goes on and on. We also began realizing all of the amazing talents that came with his neurological differences too; like the fact that he is able to see or hear something once and remember it for life which makes learning new facts insanely easy for him. 

Even before getting the official diagnosis I was reading everything I could find on Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and trying to find anything and everything to help Judah adjust and cope with the world around him. By the end of the testing process I kind of felt like I had been through medical school! A whole new chapter of our adventure began at that point. I began setting things up with the school corporation to get him in speech therapy to work on his delayed social skills and to work on emotional expression and response, set up his IEP and so on. He loved going to speech and we began seeing a huge improvement in him. He started being able to recognize other's emotions and was able to respond to them without our prompting. It was huge for him! He still had good days and bad days, but he good were starting to outnumber the bad. He was still in preschool then and loved it. Drop off wasn't always so great and he was carried in tears a lot of the time, but once in class he loved it and picked up every new skill and lesson they gave them. His only issue came when he learned something the first time the concept was presented and was then bored every time they repeated it. He just couldn't understand why they kept repeating things he already knew :) That was when he found ways to entertain himself... usually not the best idea. haha He was adorable as Santa in the Christmas program that year and even had a "friend" birthday party for his 5th birthday complete with a bounce house and all. He did great at his Pre-K graduation in the spring, too. We were also able to get set up at St. Mary's Center for Children again and began meeting with a great psychologist on a weekly basis to help Judah learn to manage his anxiety and work through his emotions without having so many meltdowns. He loved going and seemed to learn a lot. Then summer came...

The summer started off pretty well this year and he seemed excited about going to Kindergarten in the fall at first, then the reality of a new school and all of the accompanying changes set in about half way through. Needless to say, he is NOT a fan of change. We were able to keep his distracted with summer camp at his preschool, which he loved going to and had so much fun at. He also did swim lessons at the city pool again and was swimming like a fish by the end of the 2 week session. (He loves water!) During the summer we also suffered a devastating loss in our family when Larry's grandpa Tom passed away. Judah took it very hard and had a very hard time processing all of it. From all appearances it didn't seem to phase him in the least, but that was the point that he began having unexplainable frequent meltdowns and very frequent bathroom accidents again. At one point I had to just start putting him in pull up at home again to avoid more messes. It was so hard to watch him go through that and not be able to make it better for him. We were so blessed to have his psychologist and they spent many visits talking through it and helping Judah figure out what he was feeling and how to put it into words. 


Things seemed to be getting better and then it came time to get ready for school. One day he informed me that he was just going back to preschool and not to Kindergarten :) The closer we got to the beginning of the year, to more frequent the bathroom accidents got again and the more meltdowns we had. Thankfully the school and Judah's teacher were great about letting us go in and visit a couple time before school started to see his classroom and wander the halls without anyone else there. It seemed to put him much more at ease with the coming changes and make him feel much better. The first couple of weeks were touch and go, but we made it through. We quickly learned that he did much better arriving at school after everyone was already in the classrooms and the halls were empty and the school was very quick to put that in his IEP and accommodate him. We also learned that he is insanely fast and can run from his classroom and out to the parking lot before anyone knows he's gone! That was scary!!! He made it out twice, but his teacher and aid quickly came up with a plan and were able to get him into a routine that kept him from wanting to run away every day. We have been so blessed to have him with a teacher and aid who have gone out of their way to help him and make him feel safe and comfortable there. I even think he has developed a little crush on his teacher :) I get so many good reports about him and they seem to love having him in class. He definitely has his fair share of tough days and has had to "pull his stick to red" (the discipline scale they use - meaning he looses his 2nd recess and had to be reprimanded many times) more than a few times, but has overall adjusted to kindergarten really well. We were even able to drop speech therapy during school because she thought he was doing so well that he doesn't need it anymore and didn't want him missing any more class than needed. During the beginning of school we switched to a new psychologist because his took a new position out of state; but we really love his new one and she is great with him. She has worked so hard to come up with a great plan for him and he has made great strides working with her on a weekly basis. He was also able to join the Boonville swim team this fall and is becoming a great swimmer. His coach is amazing and has the patience of a saint with him! the water seems to relax him and help him regroup so I really look forward to Tuesday and Thursday nights. He also sleeps great those nights :)

His IEP review went really well this year and we are in the process of making some changes to it. Right now he rides the Special Ed bus 3 days a week because we felt like the "big bus" (as he calls it) would be too overwhelming for him. He didn't fair very well riding it for their fall field trip and I was even with him. The problem, though, is that he has to miss about 40 minutes of school on those days because his bus leaves much earlier than the regular buses. The school corp. Autism Specialist is working very hard with us, though, to find a way to make adjustments so he can ride the "big bus" without being overwhelmed or causing more anxiety for him. We are hoping to have everything in place and make the big switch after Christmas break. So far Judah seems to be warming up to the idea. 

Now that we are getting in the full swing of the holiday season we have noticed some "steps backwards" for him and experienced the worst meltdown we have ever had with him just the other night. At one point I was even in tears trying to calm him down while my mom and I had to physically restrain him so he wouldn't hurt himself or someone else. It was absolutely horrible and I pray we never have another one like that again!! In November the insurance company made some changes without telling us and he wasn't able to meet with his psychologist for a whole month, which through off his entire routine. He has had multiple big bathroom accidents in the past couple of weeks (2 of which were at swim practice... wet swim trunks and bathroom accidents aren't a good mix!) and has been much more withdrawn, which is so hard to watch. Thankfully we were able to get back in with his doctor on a weekly basis again and she is hard at work getting him back on track and giving us more tools to use at home to help him. I absolutely love her and am so thankful we have her. 


Our family has been so great to help through all of this too. I don't know what I would do without my parents... mom, especially. She has been able to calm him down at times that I couldn't think of anything else to do and they have taken him with them so many times to give me time to take a breath. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system and know that Judah wouldn't do as well as he does or be the amazing kid that he is without all of our family. I have realized in the past 6 years that it really does take a village to raise a child - especially one with ASD!! lol

However, there are days in the middle of the chaos that he comes home from school and just wants to sit on the couch and cuddle with me. Then all of the stress, craziness and exhaustion just disappear :) There are days when I'm at my wits end and think I'm going to end up pulling my hair out, but they are by far outweighed by the days that he looks at me, smiles with his bright blue eyes and huge dimples and says "I love you, too". Those moments, no matter how scarce they may be, make every other crazy day worth it! The past 6 years have, in many ways, not been what I had expected or even dreamed about when I was pregnant with Judah; but looking back at them I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing about them. Through him I have learned what it really means to love with every fiber of your being, that I am so much stronger than I ever knew I was and more animal facts than I ever thought I would know in this lifetime (and I'm still learning more). I have learned to be flexible and live by a routine all at the same time and how to laugh at things that would otherwise drive me crazy. Most of all I have learned that big blue eyes, dimples and a simple "I love you, mom" can make everything bad in my life meaningless because it means that my beautiful boy is healthy and knows that he is loved; so I must be doing something right in all of this. 

I am beyond proud of the amazing person Judah is and who he is becoming and know that he is going to do amazing things in his life because he has been given the gift of Autism.